Monday, December 17, 2012

Taking the magic out of Christmas ... and bringing it back. Part 14.

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the 
mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  
Don’t clean it up too quickly."
~Andy Rooney

Part 14 is dedicated to Last Christmas. No, not the Wham! song, well, not entirely.  Ya see, last Christmas was a tough one for me.  I had mixed feelings about a lot of different things ... well, really, about everything. I mentioned in an earlier post that I hit my rock bottom earlier this year, but the bottom started to become clearer and clearer sometime around October of last year. 

An end was coming to my almost 5 year relationship and it was not even remotely close to getting any better, despite efforts to try harder, on my end.  The thing about trying harder is if it's not a two way attempt, it doesn't work. And this didn't work.  Not for me.  There was no trust, no affection, nothing that any good relationship should have in order to survive.  So around the end of October (2011), I started to be realistic about my reality.  In January, I had given one year for things to get better, by Thanksgiving, things were so bad, I didn't even want to be in the same house, let alone the same room as this person I had been with for so long, but, for the kids, I stuck it out till after the holidays, telling myself that, maybe, just maybe, if we could make it through Christmas things would start to get better. (As a side note, I knew they wouldn't be getting any better, I just had to lie to myself to make it through, yes ... LIE TO MYSELF???!!!!???) 

The spirit of Christmas was so far away from me last year that I was sooo happy when it was over!!!!  I couldn't even believe myself when I had a sigh of relief that Christmas, my favorite time of the year, had ended.  With the spirit of Christmas gone from my heart, so too, was the love. I had had enough of my heart being ripped out and handed to me on a flimsy used paper plate and the day after Christmas, last year, I realized that I had spent the last 3 Christmas' with someone I didn't know, and no, not him ... ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The beginning of the song, Last Christmas, is a very important piece to this puzzle "Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special".  I didn't realize this is where I was until I heard it FOUR times on Saturday while shopping with my daughter then again TWICE yesterday.  I thought, "Seriously, I rarely hear this song at Christmas time, why the hell have I heard this song SIX times in the last two days?" (I also realized that I have not heard, not even once, "Snoopy's Christmas" by the Royal Guardsmen this year - to which, I rectified that situation this morning, thanks to Spotify!!!)  Now, if you know me, even just a little bit, you know that I am all about signs and everything happening for a reason.  You may have also gotten the drift that I'm the happiest I've been in as long as I can even remember. 

Last Christmas, I had given my heart (again) to someone who wasn't as careful as he should have been with it and after several, long, hard years of fighting, struggling and smiling through the pain to cover it up, he, quite literally, made a choice the day after Christmas which crushed me and was the very beginning of a 3 month ending.  

This year, however, I have been able to give my heart to someone special, someone who appreciates it and takes very good care of it and me.  I have such an overwhelming happiness in my heart that I have not felt in such a loooonnnnggggg time!!!!  I feel like me, again, finally!!!  Spunky, playful, loving, passionate, fierce and strong ... me, in a nutshell.  It feels so good to have found, not only myself again, but someone who loves me and truly appreciates me, for me and doesn't feel like he can't be himself around me.  The fact of the matter is, however, if I hadn't endured what I did for just over 5 years in my previous relationship, I honestly believe that I wouldn't be where I am today.  There were lessons I had to learn, things I had to experience in order to know how to be happy.  I was in that relationship to help me, though I didn't realize that until earlier this year.  The two things I learned that made all the difference in my life are living one day at a time, even one moment at a time when necessary and this, very simple set of words: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Al & I in NYC This Year
Photo by Tom Schopper
The moral of this story, I had to hit my rock bottom in order to have the spirit Christmas reignited in my heart again and also, to be genuinely happy again. 

What was your "Last Christmas" like and how did it affect you?

Peace, Love and Light, 


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