Parting is such sweet sorrow ... not really.

You know the scene in Romeo and Juliet where they both die, or rather Romeo thinks Juliet is dead, drinks poison and kills himself but then she awakens only to find Romeo dead? Well that was a little how the beginning of 2012 felt for me.  Let me explain ...

In December of 2011, things in my personal life were simply horrible. I had no idea how to end a relationship that I had been faking being happy in for several years and I felt helpless and hopeless.  I had started hitting a bottom that I really did not want to hit.  With choices made by another, choices were forced on my part.  Only to be halted briefly with what January brought. 

In January 2012, I came to realize that I had become a bigger part of a co-dependent relationship.  Me. Miss Independent is now co-dependent. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I allowed lies, deceit, cheating and selfishness to become and overwhelm me.  I started to feel, once again, that I deserved to be treated this way.  With one more lie, a change I had hoped for ended.  Only I didn't realize it.  

February is pretty much a blur, all I really remember is feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders again and not a single person to trust by my side. But, I started to make plans for me and my girls, plans that did not include this other person in my life. 

March was the beginning of the end of a chapter of my life, actually it was more like a volume in my encyclopedic auto-biography, but alas, it was the beginning of an end and the start of a new beginning.  I finally found my way out of this toxicity I had been involved in, and it was a lot easier then I imagined.  I also learned that I had developed a cyst again on my ovary, a fairly large one too, which was a large part of some other issues I was having, which I had attributed to just being caused by stress.

April, May, June and July were spent working on me, on my own happiness. I needed to find a place where I felt whole again.  A place where I knew who I was again.  It didn't take long, but it took a whole lot of courage on my part.  I was battling with becoming an improved me. 

August hit me hard, both in a good way and a bad way.  I'll explain the bad part first.  I had this looming feeling that another chapter of my life was coming to an end.  I had been working in a job that I thought I loved for nearly 6 years, but just wasn't happy anymore.  I wanted a way out without actually quitting or having to find another job.  As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, because you will, eventually, get it.  It wasn't so much that I needed to be careful with what I was wishing for, but rather, that I was ready for what I was wishing for.  At the end of August, I had been informed that I was losing my job, corporate America had come in and taken over the small company that I had loved working for and shutting down the department I was a part of.  I was both happy and sad upon hearing this news.  I was happy because I can finally do what I love without having to worry about the effects of quitting a job. But sad because this was something I could rely on, a job with benefits and was very flexible when I needed it to be.  I had also started really talking to Al, literally, the man of my dreams, also someone I didn't think I would ever find. But from the very minute things "got real" with him, I embraced every moment of it, I feared nothing.  Which leads me into September...

September brought me to a whole new volume in my encyclopedic auto-biography.  My best friend and I took a weekend trip to Gettysburg to visit a very dear friend and celebrate our birthdays.  I can honestly say, it was one of the best trips I have ever taken.  We laughed so much and had so much fun.  I turned 35 and got one of the best birthday gifts ever ... Al.  We had our first "official" date the day after my birthday and we've been together since.  Then, on September 10th, I received some news that practically devastated me.  I not only had a cyst on one of my ovaries, but now on both of them.  This would mean surgery.  I had to have my tubes tied, my right ovary removed, the cyst taken off my left ovary and have a uterine ablation. This means no more kids. Not that I really wanted anymore, but it's still felt a lot like my womanhood was being ripped away from me.  In the end, I also had to have my appendix out because it was twisted up with the cyst from my ovary ... can you say OUCH! It was also confirmed that I had stage 4 endometriosis, which was no big surprise, I had known for years that I suffered from it, just not the severity of it.   Back to Al, when I say that I literally found the man of my dreams, I really mean it.  I have forever said that I just want a man who will take care of me, not necessarily financially, but more in the terms of emotionally, physically and mentally ... and that is exactly what I have with Al!!!!  He completely amazes me and I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have this man in my life!!! 

The rest of year has brought nothing but increased happiness in my life.  I finally feel like I am where I should be and I got to experience NYC and cross off two of my bucket list items with the man of my dreams and we had an amazing time!!!  So, goodbye 2012, you were good to me, but I have to make room for new and exciting experiences in 2013.

I hope you all have a wonderful new year filled with positive change and love.

Peace, Love and Light, 

Christine
http://www.lifetimememorieswny.com

Quote of the day ... Nov. 19, 2012

"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop."

~Usman B. Asif

I am thankful for fear. Yes, you read that correctly.  I am thankful for fear because fear helps you realize that you still have lessons to learn, that there is still life left to discover. When I was a kid, I was fearless, then as time passed I started to experience fear.  I became afraid of one big thing that I still fear to this day ... heights. Although, I once heard someone say that a fear of heights is not actually the fear of being up high, it's the fear of falling.  I suppose that's true, being up high doesn't bother me, but feeling like I could fall at any point in time, definitely does. I tried to overcome this fear this summer when my mother and I were lucky enough to find a fire tower that I have tried finding for years!!!!  When I was younger, my pop took us to this fire tower and as he stood at the bottom rooting us on, I went right up to the top. This is one of my fondest childhood memories and to be able to see the fire tower, just as I had remembered it from 30 years earlier was quite the emotional experience, even more emotional to have shared this finding with my girls.  I tried to make it up to the top again, but my fear took over and I couldn't make it past the 4th landing, that really didn't matter to me though, just finding the fire tower was the absolute highlight of my life!!!  

What are you afraid of?  Would you be willing to face your fears to see what awaits behind the door you are afraid to walk through? 

http://www.lifetimememorieswny.com

Quote of the day ... Oct. 23, 2012

"I was proud of the waves I had made, but wondered 

how many boats I was supposed to rock."

~Phil Donahue

Perhaps we don't realize the affect we have on others, on people we don't even intend to be a part of the waves we are stirring up.  When you are causing a disturbance with an intended party, others, almost always, are also affected.  Sometimes this can be a good thing, sometimes, not so much.  We must always think before we act so that we can understand the full outcome of our intentions.

Several years ago, I was, dare I say "victim", of a group of people making waves for someone I was close to at the time.  This caused such drama in my life and I wasn't even the target.  It has taken me many years to overcome this with much understanding and mental strength that I was not the intended target.  It caused me to feel as though I couldn't go certain places, always worried I would run into these people.  Once I released that fear I no longer was under their control.  My point here is, if you haven't gotten it by now, that you need to evaluate your intentions and keep them on the positive side.  Whether you believe in karma or not, you certainly have seen reaping what is sowed in action.

Before acting, think about the waves you will create, the boats you will rock and what your intended outcome is. If you cannot find a way to get your point across without hurting others, perhaps you need to re-think your intentions and make sure they are true and real. 

http://www.lifetimememorieswny.com