Parting is such sweet sorrow ... not really.

You know the scene in Romeo and Juliet where they both die, or rather Romeo thinks Juliet is dead, drinks poison and kills himself but then she awakens only to find Romeo dead? Well that was a little how the beginning of 2012 felt for me.  Let me explain ...

In December of 2011, things in my personal life were simply horrible. I had no idea how to end a relationship that I had been faking being happy in for several years and I felt helpless and hopeless.  I had started hitting a bottom that I really did not want to hit.  With choices made by another, choices were forced on my part.  Only to be halted briefly with what January brought. 

In January 2012, I came to realize that I had become a bigger part of a co-dependent relationship.  Me. Miss Independent is now co-dependent. I couldn't wrap my head around it.  I allowed lies, deceit, cheating and selfishness to become and overwhelm me.  I started to feel, once again, that I deserved to be treated this way.  With one more lie, a change I had hoped for ended.  Only I didn't realize it.  

February is pretty much a blur, all I really remember is feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders again and not a single person to trust by my side. But, I started to make plans for me and my girls, plans that did not include this other person in my life. 

March was the beginning of the end of a chapter of my life, actually it was more like a volume in my encyclopedic auto-biography, but alas, it was the beginning of an end and the start of a new beginning.  I finally found my way out of this toxicity I had been involved in, and it was a lot easier then I imagined.  I also learned that I had developed a cyst again on my ovary, a fairly large one too, which was a large part of some other issues I was having, which I had attributed to just being caused by stress.

April, May, June and July were spent working on me, on my own happiness. I needed to find a place where I felt whole again.  A place where I knew who I was again.  It didn't take long, but it took a whole lot of courage on my part.  I was battling with becoming an improved me. 

August hit me hard, both in a good way and a bad way.  I'll explain the bad part first.  I had this looming feeling that another chapter of my life was coming to an end.  I had been working in a job that I thought I loved for nearly 6 years, but just wasn't happy anymore.  I wanted a way out without actually quitting or having to find another job.  As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, because you will, eventually, get it.  It wasn't so much that I needed to be careful with what I was wishing for, but rather, that I was ready for what I was wishing for.  At the end of August, I had been informed that I was losing my job, corporate America had come in and taken over the small company that I had loved working for and shutting down the department I was a part of.  I was both happy and sad upon hearing this news.  I was happy because I can finally do what I love without having to worry about the effects of quitting a job. But sad because this was something I could rely on, a job with benefits and was very flexible when I needed it to be.  I had also started really talking to Al, literally, the man of my dreams, also someone I didn't think I would ever find. But from the very minute things "got real" with him, I embraced every moment of it, I feared nothing.  Which leads me into September...

September brought me to a whole new volume in my encyclopedic auto-biography.  My best friend and I took a weekend trip to Gettysburg to visit a very dear friend and celebrate our birthdays.  I can honestly say, it was one of the best trips I have ever taken.  We laughed so much and had so much fun.  I turned 35 and got one of the best birthday gifts ever ... Al.  We had our first "official" date the day after my birthday and we've been together since.  Then, on September 10th, I received some news that practically devastated me.  I not only had a cyst on one of my ovaries, but now on both of them.  This would mean surgery.  I had to have my tubes tied, my right ovary removed, the cyst taken off my left ovary and have a uterine ablation. This means no more kids. Not that I really wanted anymore, but it's still felt a lot like my womanhood was being ripped away from me.  In the end, I also had to have my appendix out because it was twisted up with the cyst from my ovary ... can you say OUCH! It was also confirmed that I had stage 4 endometriosis, which was no big surprise, I had known for years that I suffered from it, just not the severity of it.   Back to Al, when I say that I literally found the man of my dreams, I really mean it.  I have forever said that I just want a man who will take care of me, not necessarily financially, but more in the terms of emotionally, physically and mentally ... and that is exactly what I have with Al!!!!  He completely amazes me and I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have this man in my life!!! 

The rest of year has brought nothing but increased happiness in my life.  I finally feel like I am where I should be and I got to experience NYC and cross off two of my bucket list items with the man of my dreams and we had an amazing time!!!  So, goodbye 2012, you were good to me, but I have to make room for new and exciting experiences in 2013.

I hope you all have a wonderful new year filled with positive change and love.

Peace, Love and Light, 

Christine
http://www.lifetimememorieswny.com

Taking the magic out of Christmas ... and bringing it back. Part 8.

"Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine?

A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!"

~Ralphie

Part 8 is dedicated to love. Love comes in so many different forms, it may be hard to come up with a short quip for this post, so forgive me if this goes astray and gets a bit long winded.  And yes, I realize the quote may not be directly relative to love, but Ralphie soooo looked forward to getting his Little Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin in the mail for weeks and his excitement when it first arrived (prior to cracking the secret code) was what drew me to use this  quote.

Love is such a powerful feeling, an emotion that fills you with joy and excitement!  When you find yourself in love you never want it to to end. You want to keep it, forever.  Many say nothing lasts forever, promises are meant to be broken, blah, blah, blah ... yea, I know, sad, right? I am that dreamer who believes in love at first sight, fairy tales lives and fate.  I will never give up on those things, because I still believe, despite everything I've gone through over the years, that a love that is cherished and respected does last forever and promises need not be made just to make another happy.

I've had a rough stint with love though. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not to blame for any of it, I am. I can say that because I had lessons to learn to become who I am today. Failed relationship after failed relationship, it probably seems like years wasted to most people, but not to me.  I have learned that you have to take the good out of every situation, even the ones that bring you down to your complete rock bottom.

So here we are and it's Christmas time.  I hit my rock bottom this year in March, but since August, I can't remember a time in my adult life when I have been any happier in love.  After a breakup from a very toxic relationship, I gave up hope on finding someone who would be a part of my happily ever after.  Then, I met someone, who, at the time I didn't realize would be anything more then a friend, until August. Everything changed in August with a few simple words.  Ya see, I'm a simple girl, all I really want is a man who will take care of me, who will be there for me when I need to bitch and complain, someone who will make me feel as beautiful as he tells me I am ... and mean it.  Yea, I got that. And OMG! if I could have ever imagined it would feel THIS good, I would have thought I was over-rating it.  It feels sooo AMAZING to be given back the same amount of love that you give out, to be with someone who shows you that he loves you, not just says it.  Someone, who with a simple smile, makes your heart melt!!!!  Love should never be taken for granted, ignored or under appreciated.  It should be embraced and held in such a high regard, so if the road does ever get a bit rough, you know, with every ounce of your being, that you will get through it ... together, and that you will be stronger because of it.  

So what's this got to do with bringing the magic back to Christmas????  Well, everything. Love is the leading ruler of this world, aside from war, anyways.  Marriages end in divorce because people don't take their vows seriously enough to fight for what they thought they once wanted. Prejudice and judging others seems to be a wave of the future again, rather then a death of the past and causes our children, the future leaders of this world, to grow up with hate rather then love, judgments of who they SHOULD be  rather then endorsements for who they WANT to be, and the worst of all, the media, of all kinds, helps this get along further then any feel good news that would actually show mankind that there is still good in this world, rather then all of the drama, hate and despair that goes around.  I believe that we need to make changes in how we show this world to our children.  John Lennon had it right in his song "Imagine" ... yes he was a dreamer, but so am I ... but I don't have the dream of a world of peace, that is impossible, war is inevitable, HOWEVER, if we can live our own lives with peace, love and harmony, perhaps we would have stronger family bonds, friendships and other partnerships, which, in turn, would provide for a world of a stronger humanity.  

So, here's my unasked for advice ... if you have someone in your life who makes you his or her everything, loves you with their entire heart and soul and would take a bullet for you, and not only tells you but shows and proves it to you as much as humanly possible ... show your appreciation for that, because it can be gone, in an instant, leaving you with your heart in a billion pieces because you didn't take the time to slow down, respect a TRUE love and give it back the way it is given to you.  Love is something that you should cherish EVERYDAY, not just when it suits you.  Love should never be taken for granted, it should be respected and given back threefold.  Make memories together and laugh often.  Share emotions, secrets and scars that make you who you are, don't hide them or try to forget that they are there ... why would you want to cover up YOU? 

"LOVE" Statue in Philadelphia, PA

Have you found YOUR ever lasting love? 

Peace, Love and Light, 

Christine
http://www.lifetimememorieswny.com